1.) I am not a coder. This site will not be flashy, and it will suck.
2.) Do not contact me. I do not care how concerned you get for me, or what you think you can say to change my views, I do not want to be contacted.
3.) There will be heavy topics discussed such as mental health, depression, abuse, and suicide.
4.) if you need to find something specific, just use Control+F.
5/3/23. Welcome! This site will remain as barebones as possible. I do not have the time, or patience to dedicate myself to learning Html. this site serves as a personal diary. I will be using it to document my thoughts, and my gradual mental decline. I am severely depressed, and even suicidal.
I feel as though I am at my worst tonight. It's currently 7:48AM, and I have been awake since 4:52PM yesterday. I got into an argument with my partner about what time they were going to bed. I didn't view it as unreasonable for wanting to know when they were going to bed, but I guess it was to them. I proceeded to get screamed at, and told I would be sleeping alone. This led to me speaking to their mother about my current mental state. After this conversation, I had signed up on the "Sanctioned Suicide" forums. I am well aware this is a bad idea. I simply just do not care anymore.
I still GREATLY fear death. It terrifies me, even. Despite being so ready to give up, and just end it all, stories of other people "catching the bus" greatly depresses, and even scares me.
It's made me realize that there is no easy, painless way out of life. There is always going to be survival instinct kicking in. There is always going to be fear, and the conscious thought of "oh fuck I'm about to die."
I am about to fall asleep. I will update this page more later. It is currently 8:18AM.
I've been awake for quite some time now. I woke up around 4:50PM something, but forgot to update this site. Oops. Doesn't really matter either way, because today was particularly boring. It's 12:29AM as I'm typing this right now. I honestly did jack shit today.
My partner got sorta pissy today. Some drama about falling out with their friend group. As per usual they decided to take all their anger out on everyone else, instead of just accepting and rationalizing their opinions just like any normal person would. I spent a bunch of money on shit like candy to attempt to calm them down. I kinda hate that her mental health becomes everyone elses problem, but there's nothing I can really do about it.
Caring for my partner made me feel mentally sound again. And like there was purpose to life. I don't really know what it was, but having someone else depend on me, and need me for something made everything feel sorta alright for once, and like maybe I do have a future. It was the best I'd felt in the last 9 months. I don't know if that makes me sound like some piece of shit crisis actor, or what. That being said, this is all I care to write for the day. Check back sometime tomorrow night and I'll write more. END OF 5/3/23.